Most of my childhood memories are of observing, watching, and absorbing the energy of a room in wonderment of what this place was where I had landed. I felt love so deeply, in every part of my being and I felt pain, loss, sadness and grief. 

Nothing ever felt like it fit. I tried to do life as I saw it happening around me and all of it felt uncomfortable - all the time. I felt the energy of everything, people, nature, buildings, the collective consciousness. I never had words for the magic and mysticism I experienced. I wanted to believe there was magic in the world and yet, I was scared of what I saw and felt. 

When I was sixteen years old, I contemplated and planned ending the life of my physical body. The feelings of discomfort never subsided in waking or sleep, and the shadow emotions overwhelmed me, so much so that after dark, I ran beautiful stories in my head to stay calm and eventually I would fall asleep. What kept me from following through on ending my life was that I did not want anyone else to be impacted by my decisions. The pain of hurting others was greater than the pain I felt about myself. Instead, I committed that somehow, I would figure this life out and I would thrive.

The easiest place for me to survive and hide was in the business world. I started working at a bank at sixteen years old and I loved it. I loved the structure, the energy of money, observing people and watching the web of life happen. I loved that I could make myself seen, yet remain invisible, wear any “mask” for any persona I wanted.  I excelled in every business, finance and accounting class and when I started working in a professional capacity, I had the ability to see the final destination - whether it was in a project, a promotion or how a company could grow - and I could see the thousands of steps to reach the destination. Business was a game in life that I could play.

The last fifteen years of my work in the business world were spent with companies and nonprofits in distress, sometimes on the verge of bankruptcy. Alongside sorting the financial story of the company, I excavated and studied the vision and essence of the organization - it’s true purpose in the world. I visualized and would see the possibilities for that vision. The steps to create a thriving and sustainable organization would systematically build themselves in my mind’s eye.

I also knew how to pivot and change direction when something unexpected happened, while always maintaining full awareness of the destination the organization was meant to go. The challenge was that I could never put words to how I worked, what I saw or why I knew what I knew. My gift was in the knowing and seeing. I thought this was my life’s work.

I had a deep interest in the physical body from a young age. I wanted to know how everything worked and I was fascinated with every part of the internal and external anatomy. I consumed every book, materials and coursework I could find and spent countless hours in bookstores and libraries. 

The mix of my and her hormones alchemized in unique ways as I had constant headaches, physical discomfort, dizziness and pain all the time AND my body was alive with pleasure and sensations I had never before experienced. It was the first time in my life that I could orgasm easily and I felt desire all the time. In between the sickness, passing out and hours and hours lying in bed…I was also experiencing ecstatic pleasure for the first time in my life.

Witnessing the love and life that emanated from my children and feeling a constant state of pleasure while pregnant reawakened my desire for the full experience of being ALIVE. I remembered feeling this feeling when young and it began to fuel my adult self. What game was I going to play while here? I wanted to feel everything that it meant to be in a human body. I dove deeper into self-work, got divorced, fell completely apart, cut myself off from most of what was in my life, and I started working on feeling me.

The desire to feel pleasure, love, intimacy grew and I sought to experience the moment when it feels like we merge with the infinite consciousness. I had a knowing that my path to consciousness was through the portal of pain…grief, sadness, shame, guilt, anger, rage…and I was ready to feel all of it. As I worked through so many layers of patterns and societal conditioning, I realized that the path to consciousness was not just pain. The path was also through pleasure and the ability to live connected to all of earth AND all of the magical dimensions I could see and feel – in every moment of life.

Finding my own wholeness will be a lifetime of exquisite work and I know that the path to transformation is ultimately through love. All of us are already whole and perfect at our core and aliveness is possible for this life on earth.  For me, returning to myself and my own creation and sexual energy has allowed me to remember myself, my power – to not only touch and feel my soul’s existence on the planet in this lifetime but to also feel the connection to the collective.